decisions

it’s difficult for me to discuss my feelings for a myriad of reasons, primary among these is my AS and my fear of ridicule so this may seem more like a stream of consciousness than any sort of coherent thought but what is important is that this place just as neutral as any other

if I stay I subject myself to emotional turmoil that is both unnecessary and devastatingly harmful to me and potentially others that I care about…but if I go it will most definitely have immediate and long-lasting effects that will also be mostly irrevocable

I have stood my ground for almost 23 years through issues both big and small…I have tried to grow as a person and motivate others to do the same…to no avail…I have failed to motivate others, and in some ways grow myself, but I firmly believe that my efforts have been in good faith while others seem to have regressed to an apparently adolescent mindset

when I attempt to fathom the infinite possible outcomes of either decision I am overwhelmed with stress and feelings of anxiety but I am weirdly comforted by the knowledge that there is no deadline and these decisions can be thought of as fluid in nature

I am afforded days of solitude by my chosen profession, however I always return to this precarious situation that both fills me with joy and stifles me with dread

wondering what to do does not occupy every waking moment, so I know I am better off than many others who suffer endlessly with feelings of anxiety, however this does not comfort me while having moments of despair as much as it maybe should

in almost every way this is undoubtedly of my own making, as are many situations that I find anxiety inducing, but others are most often much easier to reason through and endure…and affect fewer people that I care about (in a very personal way)

no matter what I try to stay humble knowing that a few decades from now, none (or almost none) of these feelings will matter and all of the people involved will have moved on (including me)

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a million light reflections pass over me

little one

a wand, a crown, and a dress
a nap, a snack, and then a mess

a song, and then a dance
my heart never had a chance

born between the trees
bringing laughter and tears with ease

your every moment is the most grand
how I melt when I hold your hand

friends

frolicking frogs frantically fornicating
forcibly far from family and
fried fritters foaming fearfully
furnished with forks felines and fortitude

could be

life never fails
when it ails

gives and takes
nonsense it makes

wither and bloom
life and death

…they both loom

Amal phrase


ne segra duyú budunai
NEG follow.INF emotion-ACC PROX-world-GEN
Don’t follow the sentiment of the world.

sticky

the nun James, the one that works with steel, came over last Tuesday and will cook some hives for us then, after we recycle the moon by burning the volcano with ice and forging the clouds out of stone according to the lessons of the raccoon master that once lived in a hollowed-out watermelon that we painted with oxygen when we found it wrapped with sadness in the clover field next to the abandoned warehouse under which all the friends of my great uncle Walter once ate with hot sauce

the basketballs ain’t swimmin’ right